IT WILL BE
OKAY
COMPASSION
① ADD TO CART
COMPASSION
[kəmˈpaSHən]
verb
Feel the emotions of another person.
Understand the perspective of another person.
Combine #1 and #2 with a desire to help.
Help them without any of YOUR BULLSHIT©.
USES
All the time, everyday. But most important when someone is grieving.
Be healthier. Have compassion. via ted talks
② LEARN TO LISTEN
FIND OUT THEIR GOAL
Do they want solutions or to vent?
Listen, speak and act from the heart.
Ask about and reflect feelings.
Do not minimize grief or rush the process
Allow for the complexity, ambiguity and differing expressions (or non-expressions) of grief.
No simple solutions.
There is no timetable for grief.
Grief can be a physical experience with multiple expressions. Some people sleep all day others are continuously restless. Some get headaches while others feel nausea. Allow for common physical expressions of grief.
Recognize that men and women may grieve differently.
Be a calm and loving presence.
Value the loss.
All feelings are allowed
DO
Do simple things with regularity. Make a meal or a supportive phone call.
Be available as you are able.
Talk about your own losses when appropriate.
DO let your genuine concern and caring show.
DO be available... to listen or to help with whatever else seems needed at the time.
DO say you are sorry about what happened and about their pain.
DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.
DO encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any “shoulds” on themselves.
DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
DO talk about the special, endearing qualities of the person they've lost.
don’t
DON'T let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
DON'T avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience).
DON'T say that you "know how they feel". (Unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably don't know how they feel.)
DON'T say "you ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else that implies a judgment about their feelings.
DON'T tell them what they should feel or do. DON'T change the subject when they mention their loss or their loved one.
DON'T avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (You can be sure they haven't forgotten it.
DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss.
DON'T point out “at least they have their other ...”
DON'T say they “can always have another ...”
DON'T suggest that they “should be grateful for their so-and-so...”
DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their friends).
③ WHAT TO SAY
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. I’m thinking about you, and here for you.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need to talk
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
WORDS TO SUPPORT SOMEONE AFFECTED BY SUICIDE
WHAT NOT TO SAY
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
④ WHAT TO DO
Try to meet people “where they are.”
HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING
Be There. Let your friend know that you are there for him or her. More important than what you say is the fact that you called, wrote, or showed up.
Be specific. It’s okay to ask, “Is there anything I can do?” but it is even better to offer something specific. “I’ll drop off dinner next Wednesday. Is lasagna okay?” Practical help is often appreciated, as people who are grieving can be overwhelmed with daily tasks. Offer to go food shopping, bring the kids to sports practice, help with funeral arrangements, or write thank you cards. If your friend needs help planning a funeral, check out our information about planning a funeral.
Be honest. It is okay to tell your friend, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I love you.” It is also okay to refer to the loss as a “death” and to the person as “dead.” This helps your friend know that you are willing to talk openly and honestly about what happened.
Be a good listener. Avoid offering advice. Instead, listen to what your friend needs. “What is this like for you?”, “How are you doing today?”, “What do you want me to know about what you are going through?” are some ways to start listening.
Be accepting. Many complicated feelings arise when someone dies. Not all of them are sadness. Anger, relief, levity, frustration, and fear are also common reactions. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Accept the full range of emotions that your friend expresses.
Be okay with silence. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. It is okay to sit quietly. To hold hands while they cry. Just being present while your friend grieves is incredibly powerful. Our culture teaches us to “fix” things, but grief isn’t something that needs to be fixed. Grief needs to be experienced, and being a quiet witness to that process is often the most supportive thing you can do.
Be there for the long haul. Newly bereaved people are sometimes overwhelmed with support and visiting family immediately following the death. But a few weeks or months later, isolation can become a reality. This may be when your most important role begins. Be the friend who is still calling and checking in three months after the death. An extra call or visit on holidays or anniversaries is also an important sign that you care.
SYMPATHY NOTES
do an emotional proofread of your email, put yourself in the receiver’s shoes, and try to imagine what you would feel if you got this email. Consider what you know about this person, your relationship with them and what they might be going through. A quick gut-check before you hit send could save the receiver from unintended anguish. generally try to send within 2 weeks of hearing of the death.
